Monthly Archives: April 2009

Pity the fool.

This is a real photo.

This is a real photo.

(Disclosure: This following is just a parody. I do not share any cells or DNA with any members of the A-Team or Super Stars of Wrestling. I will try to clarify fact from fiction in the future. The purpose of this blog is to clarify information, not create confusion – sorry to you know who)

My mass is infected with a rare strain of supportive T-Cells which are mohawk in shape and have a severe fear of flying. They are difficult cells to treat in standard chemotherapy due to their protective border of oversized gold dinner plates, utensils and jewelry.


These cells can only be transmitted person to person and my doctor and I had to do a comprehensive review of my past – exotic locations I’ve traveled, places I’ve lived, past roommates, the environments I grew up, etc. At first we thought I could have been infected with these cells during my short partnership with Hulk Hogan during the first WrestleMania. But no connection could have been made because I was watching the program on cable while wearing Spiderman pajamas.


It wasn’t until I unearthed the attached photo from my archives that the entire story clicked into place. I must have come into contact with Mr. T’s cells while filming a commercial with him about 10 years ago. (In 1995, Mr. T was diagnosed with T-cell lymphoma).


Maybe my infection occurred while I was laying T-marks at his feet? Or when I accidently used his gold spoon to eat some potato salad at lunch? Or immediately upon our introduction as “First name Mr., middle name period, last name T”?


But I like to think it was the moment when Mr. T put his hand on my shoulder and explained to me “Mr. T don’t like improv. Mr. T works better when he’s got his lines.”


And for that brief brush with “Clubber” Lang and Sergeant “B.A.” Baracas, I will bravely shoulder the burden of 6 months of chemotherapy to shake off the Mr. T cooties that I received that day.


My Chemical Romance

Clooney_2

The doctor thought I looked so good today that I can start chemo this afternoon.


Pending final results of my biopsy – which looks all ship-shape – I’ll be getting a fresh IV and some new fluid friends. Going to sneak in a pastrami sandwich and bowl of chicken soup right beforehand for some good ole’ Jewish schutzpa.


My chemical cocktail of choice is ABVD. It is a ‘textbook’ treatment for my condition. They will keep track of my vitals and reactions overnight. If all goes well, I should be home on Friday.


Chemo every 2 weeks. Keep the immune system up and the swine flu away. Develop a new relationship with my body fluids.


Not too much else to say about all this, really. Looking forward to feeling better.


Thanks again to all the support and love.

Who is Hodgkins?

Question Mark

Multiple choice question of the night – Hodgkin’s Disease is named after:

  • Kaj Varmland is a woman from Sweden with Hodgkin’s Disease. Or, as she puts it: I meet Mr. Hodgkin, a nasty type, casting me into a world full of toxins … but I am going to chide me show him. I meet my guides through the poison swamp on chemotherapy banana – the professional and friendly doctors and nurses on the chemotherapy reception. Together with them and my friends have Mr. H soon förpassats to eternity.
  • Thomas Hodgkin, prominent British physician and considered on the most prominent pathologists of his time and a pioneer in preventative medicine. In 1832, Hodgkin’s work marked the beginning of times when a pathologist was actively involved in the clinical process. His paper, “On Some Morbid Appearances of the Absorbent Glands and Spleen” shot to #3 on Oprah’s book list.
  • Phyllius Hodgkin, second Oompla Loompa on the right. Although never proven, Phyllius was blamed by the tabloid press for giving Gene Wilder non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma while filming Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
Little bastard on the right

Little bastard on the right

Please submit all answers in the form of a haiku.

The lucky winner will receive a bag of my hair.

“After two days in the hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.” – WC Fields

wickedicked

I know some of you are more interested in my diagnosis than my hunger pains and ever spiraling love of “12 Corazones” on Telemundo (Wikipedia: The show is hosted by Penelope Menchaca and features advice from co-host Edward’O, a flamboyant Nicaraguan astroanalyst).


Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, 2B


PET scans show no additional activity besides the original CT scans – mass is isolated to upper abdomen with small growth above the clavicle on either side of my neck. These small branches classify it as a Stage 2. Apparently, this type of mass is quite big taking up 60% of my chest cavity. It is also quite hard – the radiologist bent two needles – but these conditions are not alarming.


The “B’ represents the presence of certain symptoms, including night sweats, more than 10% loss of body weight and extreme sexiness even when the patient’s head looks like a Macy’s Day Float.


Bone Marrow biopsy has not shown any additional cancer cells. Which is great news.


I have SVC Syndrome (Superior Cava Syndrome), which is an obstruction of the blood flow from my head and arms into my heart. This is causing blood clots all the way up my jugular, which will be treated after we get the mass to breakdown. Time TBD. These blood clots pose no immediate threat to my heart or brain.


Also, I’ve got some restricted airflow but my lungs, heart and breathing are registered as normal. I just won’t be running any marathons soon.


Tomorrow (Thursday), I’ll get the results of one final biopsy which will more exactly determine what the mass is made out of. Hodgkin’s is kind of rare and has numerous characteristics involved and my oncologist wants to be absolutely definitive in his diagnosis before we begin chemo. I think he also likes having me around.


There are lots and lots of web sites available on line with information about my condition. Most of which are written by Swedish bloggers.

The important thing is that this is an extremely treatable condition which responds very well to chemotherapy treatment. My summer is going to suck. And I look forward to keeping in touch with all of you and seeing you again soon.

The Beach Boys present…Pet Scans

Beach Boys

Yep. Definitely got into a nasty spill on the slopes yesterday. Must have landed on the rock, bounced into a tree, down the steps and hit my ass on the bar when I landed. Mhe. Give me a Bailey’s and Coffee and I’ll be all right.

Better yet, let me wash it down with a long, cool glass of irradiated sugar water. This will show if there’s any more cancerous activity hiding out in my body this morning. After these two safety tests, it might be chemo time.

I know it will definitely be sandwich time because I can’t eat again all morning. Which brings us to this morning’s poll.

If you had to starve yourself for 12 hours to take a PET Scan, which one of the lovely animals on the Beach Boys “Pet Sounds” album cover would you eat for lunch:

1. Goat

2. Chicken

3. Deer

4. Trick question: Phil Spector would have already killed all the animals in a hastily arranged ‘suicide’ scene.

And on a final note: My brother got married in England a couple years ago by the Church of England. Now, the COE has very strict rules about the use of G*D’s name during the ceremony. Can’t say his name. Can’t allude to his name. Can’t pray to his name. I’m not exactly sure who the COE does pray to (The Queen? Johnny Rotten? Dangermouse?) but using the Big Man’s name was a no-no. Which was fine until the 2 piece band that was playing in the loft of the beautiful barn where my brother was getting married delivered their final song as my brother and his wife signed their wedding book – “GOD ONLY KNOWS HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU!!! GOD ONLY KNOWS!!! GOD ONLY KNOWS!!! GOD ONLY GOD ONLY GOD ONLY KNOWS!!!” The COE lady could have shut the thing down right there like a dated Monty Pyhon skit but she let the show go on. And God Only Knows what the hell the ‘instrumental’ band was thinking when they started singing that song.

Outie.

Chemo countdown

Dr. Manhattan

With all this talk of bone marrow and BBQ ribs (mmmmm), I thought I’d also mention how my treatment is going:

6 days
6 IV pokes (4 successful)
10+ blood draws
10+ glucose pokes
5 insulin injections
6000+ ml of saline
infinite amount of saline removal
3 bags of Dexadrone steroids per day
2 Vicodin
1 shot Morphine
1 shot Adavant
1 bone marrow biopsy
1 neck biopsy
2 cat scans
1 CT/PET scan
3 cups Barium GI
Unknown amount of radioactive sugar isotopes
1 Allopurinol per day
Lozenges
Hospital food
Ensure protein supplement
Gallows humor

Chemo probably starts on Thursday. Still waiting for definitive test results from bone marrow and PET scans. Racking my brain trying to come up with a name for my ‘little friend’.

BBQ on my mind

Mmmmmm.

Mmmmmm.

At 9am in the morning while on my way to Westwood UCLA hospital for a comprehensive PET scan, what’s the one thing I’m thinking about? Sweet, delicious, luscious BBQ from Baby Blues in Venice.

Maybe its the 12 hours of starvation before the test. Or maybe its the 3 cups of Barium. Or could it be the radioactive isotopes they inject into me. But mmmm mmmm…I could really go for some BBQ today.

Talked to the ambulance drivers. The radioactive technicians. The nurses. Anyone who would listen. Hoping someone would slip me some pulled pork or BBQ chicken or mac and cheese topped off in the broiler.

BBQ – that’s motivation.

444 Lincoln Blvd
Venice CA  90291

Tell them I’ll see them soon.