I spent my weekend in chemo induced solitude. Well, I spent it with Jen…who spent her weekend going to the store for me, cooking my meals and generally being Jenny the Nurse. She continues to amaze and impress me.
I haven’t been having many deep thoughts lately – something to do with getting used to the routine of all of this. Which is exactly why I feel like posting.
Before, I tried to appreciate all the good, little things and not sweat the small stuff. I tried not to worry about the traffic. I tried not to get annoyed with the people in line at the store. I tried not to let things get to me.
But recently, it’s all the small things adding up together which are getting to me. Most of the things I didn’t have to worry about before – or some things with new perspectives on them – are really bugging me. (Cue rant)
Take eating for example. Although it is still a mostly pleasurable experience, now I worry about everything I put in my mouth. Is it nutritional enough? Is it a cheat? Could I be substituting something else in its place? And why am I insisting on ordering wheat bread when I’m still getting the french fries on the side? Does this make me as much of a hypocrite as the person who orders a Big Mac and a Diet Coke?
And the pills. And the shots. And the blood draws. And this haircut that makes me look like a cop.
I think I spent the past month trying to get used to this stuff. And now that I’m a little used to it, I’m learning to hate it.
I hate having to organize my pills. I hate giving myself the Neupogen shots. I hate trying to work Glutamine into my diet 3 times per day. I thought the infusion center was a nice place, but I’m starting to hate that too.
I hate spending this much time worrying about myself.
As the chemo side effects get a little worse each time, I can safely say that I’m starting to hate this whole thing. I’m not depressed about it and I’m not giving up the fight – it is just something that I’m looking forward to being over. And that is a huge motivator.
I still consider myself very lucky that there is an ending to all of this. That I have something positive to look forward to. I feel I may have used up all my positive karma in one fell swoop by even having the chance to put this behind me.
It feels weird that I am 1/3 of the way done with my chemo treatment…and even weirder that I have 4 1/2 more months to go.
For now, getting better is my job. I’m still getting used to my new office, my new coworkers and my new responsibilities.
I wonder if, one day, this will all feel routine and not feel ‘special’ anymore? Like working with a Technocrane or putting marks down for A-list celebrities or carrying heavy cases to the tops of office buildings in downtown LA.
I guess then I’ll start looking for a new job. I can’t wait.
PS. Speaking of small things – don’t worry if I don’t post regularly. I’ll keep everyone updated. But I don’t always feel like writing and there isn’t always something to write about. So no need to fret if you haven’t heard from me in awhile – consider it a good sign that everything is status quo.