I don’t write as much on this blog anymore. I think its because my treatment – and my days – are starting to feel a bit routine.
I weather the chemo pretty well. I haven’t had the same complications as some other people I know. No trips to the hospital. No new developments at the doctor. Everything seems to be moving along the way it should be. And I don’t want to upset the balance. I’m not sure what I’m doing that makes it feel like its working…but whatever it is, I don’t want to change it either.
I slipped on the nutrition front the past couple of days and I think I could feel it. Nausea and feeling terrible at the end of the week seems abnormal to me. And I want to blame it on the poor diet I had on Friday. So, this weekend, I tried to get back on the horse. I have to stay focused on what goes in my body – fruits, veggies, water.
For some reason, the sickness I feel after chemo seems to clear up on Monday morning. I still feel tired and have occassional bouts of nausea during the week – but the difference I feel between Sunday night and Monday morning is amazing. I also think the steroids are still having an effect on me by Monday because I seem to wake up and I’m ready to go go go.
Whatever the reason, I refer to them as Magic Monday Mornings because the world seems to right itself and I can start to get back to a regular life for another week and half.
One change this week is that I have to take my Neupogen shots for an extra 3 days. And I can feel it. It must build up in my system because the bone pain is almost constant at some points in the day. I feel achy in my legs, my back, my shoulders. But my white blood counts were so low last treatment that they almost didn’t give me chemo – so I’ve got to do what I can to keep those WBC up.
Other than the medical stuff, I’ve been trying extra hard to keep my life busy. Some days I wake up and feel like I’ve got too much on my plate. Some days I wake up and I feel like I don’t have enough going on and I’m wasting my time. But one thing is constant – I count every day.
I count every Neupogen shot.
I count every treatment.
I count up the days…the weeks…the months until I’m supposed to be done with my chemo.
I count up how many more disability checks I’m going to collect until I can get back to work.
Maybe all of this counting is actually bad for me. My friend’s advice is to live more in the present – make the most of the day I have in front of me and not worry so much about what is coming later. I try. But it is difficult when every day is broken up into a series of pills, shots, protein drinks and more pills.
It almost feels like I’m living two lives – the life of a patient and my ‘healthy’ life. The sick days are spent as a patient – which is fine with me. I’m willing to take the time I need to get better.
But after that Magic Monday Morning…when I almost feel like myself again…I want to push push push to get my healthy life back again.
And it will come in time.
In 5 more treatments.
1 month of radiation.
27 more Neupogen shots.
5 more months….