I started reading some of my old posts tonight. Remember when cancer was fun? When I’d make fun of my doctors and talk about Miley Cyrus and come up with word games? Then shit got serious. Then I was really tired all the time. Then I had radiation and the hair on my chest fell out in the shape of a heart. Then I got tired of being tired and just wanted to be better. Then I was better. Then I got cancer again. And, I guess, now its time to be funny again. Such is the circle of life.
A lot of people have done a lot of great things for Jen and I these past couple of weeks. I thought it was a good time to give out a couple of awards:
Best Hands – To Dr. Jay Lee. For using VATS (Video-assisted Thoracoscopic Surgery) to remove the tissue for my biopsy and not cutting me open like a watermelon on the 4th of July. He also removed the fluid from around my heart and, I think, gave me a creamy, nougat center. Here’s to you, Dr. Lee, for being a Super Doctor. (Seriously, he won the Super Doctor award for 2009-2010. You can’t make up that kind of stuff.)
Best Food – To Cooper Spellman. For unexpectedly delivering us a giant pan of lasagna one night. Sure, Cooper is only 5 months old and his mom and dad, John and Michelle, claim that they made it. Then how do you explain the sauce on Cooper’s hands? Or was that really sauce…?
Best Catheter Removal – To Sylvia the nurse. Smooth like butter. If only her IV poke was as smooth and she didn’t dig into my arm with a needle like a gold prospector.
Best Combination Pulmonary Function Test While Talking About Fantasy Football – The really cool Korean guy who gave me the test while talking to me about fantasy football. No, sir. A team should not get double points if a player returns a kickoff for a touchdown. However, it does count towards his individual stats as well as special teams points. A debate that will rage for all time. And thanks for the help breathing into a tube.
Best News of the Week – To Dr. Jay Lee. For telling me that I’m cleared to fly. A week in Italy will do me a lot of good. Grazie.
MVP – This week the MVP award goes to my Dad. For making me feel a hell of a lot better after delivering him some really bad news. Thanks.
Unfortunately, with the good comes the bad (see my next post). And so, some awards for sucking:
Worst Bedside Manner – To the surgical intern, who I won’t name. He was creepy, ill-informed and told me they would be cutting into my back when really they were cutting into my side. Thanks for spazzing me out.
Worst Chest Tube Removal – Also, to the surgical intern, who I still won’t name. Who’s bright idea was it to take out my epidural BEFORE removing my chest tube? And when I tell you that I can’t turn over because it hurts really badly…or that I can’t breathe on my side…don’t tell me what a good job I’m doing. Get my nurse and give me a f*cking pillow and shut the hell up.
For all award recipients, please send me a check for $25 to cover printing, shipping and handling costs. A frame costs $40. And if you want me to send you an autographed photo, please send me cool hundy.
Thank all of you for participating. There will be plenty of time to win an award in the months to come. Trust me.